Happy Stupid Halloween!

That's a tiny burger!

The Great Burger Quest: Week 5

Hello everyone and welcome to week 5 of my still not quite famous Boston Burger Quest! This time I made a trip to Eastern Standard on Comm Ave in Boston’s Kenmore Square. Was it worth the 5 minute walk from my apartment in the bitter cold and blistering winds? Let’s discuss.

This week I was joined by lovely young woman who shall remain nameless, as I made my way to yet another restaurant for my weekly review. First off, Eastern Standard has a coat check. How delightfully fancy. Nothing says ‘class’ like having your grey hooded sweatshirt checked before you sit down. The next thing I noticed was their cocktail list, which was quite extensive. I opted to hold off on the drinks until after my meal. I would hate to have my judgment clouded by alcohol. For now at least…

Alright, it’s burger time. There was only one on the menu, so that made the decision rather easy. First impressions? The bun didn’t look too hot. I can look past that, but I’m starting to notice a disturbing trend that most restaurants put little effort into carefully choosing their burger buns. Is it so hard? In my opinion, the bun can make or break a good burger. The next thing I noticed was the burgers apparent lack of toppings. No tomato or onions. Ouch! That’s going to hurt your score. The burger itself was delightfully bland and disappointing. Wonderfully, average. Fantastically, mediocre. Get it? The fries were delicious, but that wasn’t nearly enough to warrant a $13 price tag.

I’m starting to wonder if this whole experiment has left me jaded. Have these last 3 burgers really been that boring or am I just starting to get sick of ground beef patties in general. I thought for sure Bartley’s would snap me out of my funk, but I was sadly mistaken.

On the Jon Defreest scale of Overwhelming Deliciosity and Continued Disappointment, I give the Eastern Standard Burger an amusingly average 5 out of 10. Congratulations Eastern Standard, you are the most expensive, yet lowest scored burger to date.

You Say Banana, I Say Stupid

Do you ever just feel like an idiot even though you've done nothing wrong?

The other day I went to the little fruit stand in the lobby of my office and I noticed that they had, what appeared to be, very large bananas. They were so large in fact, that I thought they might have been plantains. So I kindly asked the Mexican woman behind the counter, "Are those bananas?"

She looked at me as if I was the absolute dumbest person she had ever seen in her entire life. I then realized that she didn't know enough English for me to effectively talk my way out of the situation. So I just smiled like an idiot and went on my way… without purchasing a banana.

Now I'm a well educated guy and I know my fruit. When I'm in the supermarket, I'm great at identifying fruit. But to that elderly foreign woman, I was nothing more than a blithering dolt. No matter what I do or say from this day forth, in her eyes I will forever be the grown man who wasn't sure if the yellow banana shaped fruit... was a banana.

Coffee, Spinach, Roast Beef, & Pickles

What? What do I eat during the average work day? What a great question! Well for starters I never start my day without first stopping off at Starbucks on my way to work. I could be 20 minutes late and I’d still have to get my coffee before heading to the office. I’m useless without my coffee. I know that’s cliché, but it’s a fact. I am a caffeine junky and if I don’t get my fix, then I’m a stupid wreck.


I used to pick up a spinach feta wrap every morning too… but somewhere along the line I got sick of them. I haven’t had one in months, but today I was particularity hungry so I decided to treat myself. I was quickly reminding as to why I gave these things up: too much spinach. It was awful. I took a few bites out of the middle and then threw it away. 3 bucks well spent.

For lunch, I had my usual roast beef sandwich, chips, and a half a pickle. I usually spring for top shelf roast beef like Dietz and Watson London Broil, but I was in a rush this week and I had to get the prepackaged stuff. It’s not as bad as you’d think, but nowhere as good as the real stuff. If you’re gonna go roast beef, then you have to add some horseradish in there. I decided to make it a double and use horseradish spread and horseradish cheese. My dad turned me onto the stuff when I was in high school and I’ve been hooked ever since.

Someone recently asked me what my last meal would be and I replied: Rare Roast Beef with horseradish, mashed potatoes, and green bean casserole. I’d also wash the whole thing down with a black and tan. Then I could die happy.

Shrimp Taco Safari

I should review Ortega Taco Kits, you say? Sure, why not. Last night I made shrimp tacos using Ortega's wonderful hard-shell taco kit, which contains hard taco shells, taco seasoning, and taco sauce. All you need to supply are the veggies and a dead animal of your choosing. I decided to go the fancy route and use shrimp since the person I was dining with doesn’t consume red meat or chicken. Apparently, it’s okay to eat one of God’s children as long as it doesn’t have a spine. Real nice.

My mother used to make old fashioned beef tacos once a week when I was a kid. My record was 9 tacos in one sitting, a feat I have yet to replicate to this day. That was until the day she realized that she could simply throw all the fixin's onto one giant plate and call it taco salad. It all tastes the same anyway, so I had no complaints.

I feel these tacos would have been perfect if only I had some sour cream.

The tacos were really easy to make and using pre-cooked shrimp really helped cut down on the cooking time. The seasoning and the sauce were great and not too spicy. I prefer Ortega to the Taco Bell brand seasoning kits (which taste nothing like taco bell). I washed the whole meal down with Pacifico, which if you’re unfamiliar, is a more upscale Corona. My Mexican beer of choice is usually Negro Modelo, but that’s a story for another day.

Actually… I guess that is the whole story.

The Great Burger Quest: Week 4

I’m feeling in the mood to ruffle a few feathers this morning. Against my better judgment, I decided to listen to countless readers that insisted that I eat at Bartley’s Burger Cottage in Harvard Square. I realize Harvard Square is outside the city limits, but by the same token, this is my contest and I’ll do what I like.

Bartley’s is not only widely known for having one of, if not, the best burgers in the Boston area, but in the entire continental United States! It was also voted 'Best of Boston' by Boston Magazine this year. It is for these reasons that I was planning on holding off on eating here for at least a few more weeks, but for whatever reason I decided to dine there last night. I was accompanied this time by my good friends Catherina and Natro.

Let’s discuss shall we?

For starters, Bartley’s was packed to the brim at 8:30pm on Thursday night. They must be doing something right. I came with a larger group than I have on my previous burger tastings, but luckily we were able to find a table rather quickly. The first thing I noticed about the menu? No booze. Not a great start. So I can’t wash my burger down with a beer… that’s fine, I’ll live. The next thing I noticed was that their menu was roughly 3 times as long as the one I had found on their official website yesterday afternoon. Every burger was a political reference or at the very least had something to do with Boston. I know I said that I would not be getting fancy with my burger choices, but I decided to throw some bacon on this time. My contest!

My first impression was somewhat disappointing. Perhaps this place had been hyped up so much that my taste buds had been prepared for ground beef nirvana. There was nothing wrong with this burger by any means… there just wasn’t anything extraordinary about it. It was cooked to perfection, the bun was nicely toasted, the veggies were fresh, and the fries were crunchy. My first thought was that this burger may have not surpassed my burger from Audubon Circle. I was taken back when I first bit into that burger, but I didn’t have the same reaction at Bartley's. However, in terms of overall burger presentation, toppings, and fries, I have to say that Bartley’s was the better meal. But it was close a close call. Closer than I’m sure many people would agree with. I’d like to return and be a little more adventurous with my menu selections.

On the Jon Defreest scale of Unreasonably High Expectations and Somewhat Underwhelming Deliciosity, I give the Bartley Burger a rather controversial 8 out of 10. Narrowly beating out Audubon Circle and thus becoming the best burger I have encountered to date.

A Little Seasonal Flavor

Today is one of the saddest days of the year. This morning at approximately 7:45am I officially made my annual switch from ice coffee to hot coffee. Save yourself the trouble, I’ve already alerted the press. I try to tough it out as long as I can every year, but once my fingers are numb by the time I reach my building, I know I need to change it up. Today isn’t just about saying goodbye to friends however; it is also about welcoming back old ones. These friends have seen me through many cold mornings and this morning I welcomed them back with open arms. Oh how I’ve missed your warm embrace, Seasonal Coffee Mate.

I don’t remember what year I first discovered Coffee Mate, though it was certainly a banner year for lil’ Jonny. The seasonal flavors are Egg Nog, Caramel Apple, Ginger Bread, Pumpkin Bread, and my personal favorite: Peppermint Mocha. I’ve already had 3 cups today! Call me dainty, but I love flavored coffee.

I’m a fancy gentleman and I deserve no less than rich coffee with a seasonal accent. It’s called sophistication people, get used to it.

You Don't Win Friends With $10 Salads

I’m on a new found campaign to get back in shape and save some money. Both of which have been an epic failure thus far. Instead of grabbing some overpriced garbage from the food court, I opted to bring a sack lunch to work today. I was all geared up to enjoy my stupid turkey sandwich when I realized that I had misplaced it. I’d lose my head if it weren’t securely fashioned to my torso through a complicated series or muscles, tendons, and bone. So, my only choice was to walk myself down to the very food court that I had hoped to avoid. I had already blown my plan to save money today, so I figured I may as well try and keep it healthy.

Most of my options don’t really fall under the umbrella of “healthy”. In fact, most would be considered garbage food. I opted to get a salad from Tossed, because I can order online and I don’t have to wait in line. I chose to make my own salad consisting of baby field greens, chicken, chopped tomatoes, black beans, tortilla chips, and citrus chipotle dressing.

The best part was it was only $10! Wait a minute… that’s not a good thing at all. In fact, that stinks! No salad is worth $10 unless its greens are comprised of dollar bills and it tastes like concentrated rainbows. The salad was delicious, but that’s no excuse for the price. If I'm gonna drop $10 on lunch I want some sort of buffet or at the very least a lackluster steak. The only thing that I “Tossed” was my interest in this establishment. I spent 6 minutes trying to think of a clever closing line and THAT was the best I could come up with. They can't all be gems, folks.

Bacon: Is There Anything it Can't Do?

I stumbled upon some interesting bacon related images this afternoon and I thought I'd discuss them. Mainly, because I don't have my camera with me and I haven't eaten anywhere recently that's worth complaining about.

The thought of a bacon laced cinnamon bun makes me chuckle. Someone made a batch, tasted them, and thought to themselves... this can be worse for you. Cinnamon buns are among the most delicious/ worst foods a human can possibly eat. I would have to assume this is delicious, but would probably cause a heart attack almost instantly after it's ingested. Either way, sign me up.

Not satisfied with drowning your corn on the cob in butter and salt? How about wrapping that baby with delicious fried pig belly? Brilliant! Now deep fry it and cover it in chocolate and maybe you'll win my vote.

I have no words.

The Great Burger Quest: Week 3

After I blasted the Necco Corporation for their abysmal and seemingly endless attempt to produce anything even remotely resembling candy last week, you’d think I’d have all the anger out of my system. You’d be wrong.

I put yet another notch in my burger belt yesterday afternoon at Coda in the South End. Many people had recommended I check this place out and I was more than willing to give them a shot. If you frequent my burger related posts, then you may recall that I have been quite complimentary in my reviews thus far. That ends now. An incredibly lackluster weekend, coupled with the end of the Red Sox post season and a subpar burger have left me feeling a bit salty this morning. So look out Coda, you’re about to get a sound thrashing.

I was accompanied by the lovely Ms. Stef and even that was not enough to salvage this meal. The atmosphere was fine, nothing fancy. The service was somewhat slow, but I was in no hurry, so it didn’t affect my meal. The burger itself could be summed up in one word that I will spell incorrectly for dramatic effect: Booooooooooorrrrrrring. It was magnificently average and totes quite a hefty price tag at $10.

There was nothing remotely interesting about this burger. The bun was boring, the meat was bland, and there’s probably a third thing, but the whole meal was so mundane that it’s difficult to conjure up anything else of note. The fries were okay… but they could have been crunchier.
Do not be deceived by my wonderful photographs. This burger was nowhere near as delicious as it looks. On the Jon Defreest Scale of Overwhelming Bitterness and Misplaced Hostility, I give the Coda Burger an extremely generous 5 out of 10.

Tomorrow I will be reviewing Sting Ray burgers and yes, Recipe Girl, that reference was for you.

The Candy Rant Can

We’re fast approaching the all Hallows Eve and we all know what that means: candy. I’m not ashamed to admit that I would still be trick or treating to this day if it were socially acceptable. I miss coming home with a pillow case full of candy, spreading it all over the floor, and giving all the candy I didn’t want to my little sister. You would think some of the awful candy that has existed for years would have made its way out of the rotation by now.

Necco Wafers, for example. I despise Necco Wafers. Wow, I’d love some candy, but I also want to chew on a piece of chalk. They’re the worst! I suppose they’re great if you love the taste of multi-colored nothing. I would likely them to eating Tums antacids, but I actually enjoy those to an extent. I used to work at a grocery store in high school and every year we would set up for Halloween and every year we would box up all the Necco Wafers and ship them right back to the 9th circle of hell, which is where I’m assuming the Necco corporation headquarters are located. I doubt any have been made since the 1920’s. They simply recycle the same batch year after year, but nobody notices.

I remember vividly, what my candy surplus would look like 2-3 days after Halloween. I would spread it all out looking for one last Twix Bar, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, or Charleston Chew only to find a seemingly never ending quantity of Necco Wafers, Bit-o-Honey’s, and those stupid strawberry hard candies that carry no brand name.

What were you favorite and least favorite Halloween Candies?

Brex-Mex

I have recently discovered that my favorite genre of breakfast food may be Mexican. I have developed a habit of ordering breakfast burritos from Boloco as a weekend hangover cure and every-so-often I will get one during the week. However, during the week burritos don’t really help settle my stomach quite as well.

Some mornings I go without breakfast, which I know is never a good idea. Most days I just have some peanut butter on toast, as it’s quick, easy, and I have all the ingredients in my desk at my office. But having a food court in the lobby of my building makes it hard to resist the occasional splurging for a nice greezy breakfast.

This morning I went with a Qdoba breakfast quesadilla (pronounce Case-a-dilla if you want to further beat that joke into the ground). We get it! That’s how it’s spelled! Just say it the right way, no one finds you amusing. I lost my train of thought…

Oh right, breakfast! People have been telling me to try the quesadilla for a while now, so I finally broke down and gave it a try. I went with the chicken variety. The quesadilla was comprised of chicken, scrambled eggs, tomatoes, cheese, and sour cream, and it was awesome. As delicious as it was, I’m not entirely convinced that the human body was designed to process Mexican food at 9:30 in the morning. I would consider this to be a wonderful breakfast, but perhaps I will be humming a different tune in 30 minutes or so.

Finally a Reason to Chew on Your Pen!

I’m not one for shameless product placement, but someone sent me this product link and I couldn’t help but talk about it. For one I happen to think it’s quite ingenious and secondly, I really really want these! Sadly, they are just part of an art project and not available for sale. At least not that I could find.

These nifty silverware pen caps would be perfect for someone like me who has to eat at least 2 meals a day at the office. The idea of using these things has got me so amped up that I just used the word “Nifty” in a sentence without trying to be ironic. Have you ever tried to scoop peanut butter out of the jar with a flimsy plastic knife? It’s almost impossible.

I have an unhealthy habit of chewing the ends of my pens anyway, so this product seems perfect for me! At least now I can get some nourishment.

That's a Spicy Weekend!

Anyone who knows me knows that I’ll do pretty much anything to get a laugh. It’s my curse. This weekend was my buddy’s birthday, so we decided to head out and watch the Sox game at our favorite neighborhood bar (which just so happens to be next door to my apartment).

Back to the point of my story, my buddy Scott decided to challenge his roommate to eat an entire plate of chopped jalapenos. Sounds like a good idea, right? They lined the plate up in front of him and I started the countdown.

“3…2…”… and here’s where the story takes a turn.

What I should have said was “1… GO!” What I did say, was nothing. Instead, I grabbed the entire plate of jalapenos and crammed them into my mouth.

Long story short, I spent the next 45 minutes breathing heavy in the corner like I was having an asthma attack while intermediately sobbing into a glass of Irish cream the bartender gave me. I don’t know what possessed me to do such a stupid thing. I wasn’t even part of the bet, I had nothing to gain! The moral of the story is… I totally rule.

The next day, I ventured to Harvard Square in Cambridge with some friends. There was some sort of Oktoberfest going on, if I am not mistaken. We ended up eating dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant, Border Café. I had forgotten how much I love that place. The only Mexican food I get now is from Cactus Club on Boylston Street. Don’t get me wrong, I love Cactus Club, but that dump can’t hold a candle to Border Café.

They have a great mix of Mexican and Cajun fare. I had the shrimp and crawfish enchiladas and they were amazing. I had never had crawfish before coming to this place over the summer and now I’m hooked. Crawfish tastes like a shrimp and a lobster had a baby and then immediately threw it into a pot of boiling water and seasoned it with Cajun spices.

Leftover Blog Post

I have a few reviews and food items in my queue currently that I would love to blog about. Unfortunately, my camera apparently is no longer on speaking terms with my computer as the two refuse to communicate. Rather than plagiarize an article about health food, I decided to create a makeshift post out of leftover pictures from my weekend at my parent’s house 2 weeks ago. You know I can.

First off, let’s take a look at my parent’s refrigerator. I took this picture on Saturday morning while trying to plan my breakfast. I had almost forgotten what a full sized fridge looked like. I opened the fridge door, knowing full well that I had a plethora of breakfast options waiting for me.

Does anyone else see what I see in the bottom right corner drawer? Is that…?

Yoo-Hoo! America’s favorite chocolate… uh… drink! Don’t ask me why, but I love Yoo-Hoo. Always have. When my family used to vacation in New Hampshire I used to walk to the corner store, where they had Yoo-Hoo in 4 different varieties: Regular, Double Chocolate, Mint Chocolate, and Chocolate Banana. To this day, I have never seen those varieties anywhere else. I promptly killed about 3 boxes of Yoo-Hoo before continuing to look for some real food.

I ended up making a breakfast sandwich comprised of real baked ham (not the lunch meat variety), smoked cheddar, eggs (from the chickens behind my house), and ketchup on a toasted bagel. It was every bit as delicious as it sounds.

My parent's fridge is often times the highlight of my trips home. There's always something good in there and it's amazing how much easier it is to make a meal when you have a full range of ingredients. As opposed to my fridge, which usually contains beer, hotdogs, and 6 half empty bottles of ranch dressing.

Pizza Party USA!

I’m obsessed with these new readymade pizza crusts I found at Shaw’s the other day. I can’t remember the brand name, but they’re great thin crust pizza crusts that make pizza making almost too easy. All you need are the crusts, sauce, shredded cheese, and whatever you want to drop on top of it.

I decided to try a new spin on the classic Hawaiian pizza, by replacing the ham with spicy chorizo sausage. It was delicious. I’ve been making pizza all week, and I’d upload those pictures as well if my camera wasn’t being difficult. I also made a buffalo chicken pizza and a chicken sausage pizza. I’ve been eating really healthy this week. Hawaiian pizza on Monday, buffalo chicken pizza Tuesday, a burger from Audubon Wednesday, and chicken sausage pizza last night. Tomorrow, I plan on going pants shopping as I’m most likely about to jump a waist size or two within the next few days.

Pineapple and Chorizo

Fully cooked

I think I’ve done more cooking in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past 3 months. Granted, I’m not tackling any hard projects here, but I’m getting there. It’s also helping me keep my kitchen clean, which is usually a challenge in-and-of-itself. My sink is more often than not a landfill for dishes, glasses, and silverware.

How did a post about pizza turn into me talking about my kitchen sink? I don’t do transitional material, if you haven’t noticed.

The Great Burger Quest: Week 2

Greetings and welcome everyone to week two of my search for the best burger in Boston! I have come to the conclusion that I need a more creative name for this project… and after 15 minutes of brainstorming the best name given was ‘Burger Merger’ (Thanks Danielle, but that name stinks). So if anyone out there has a good idea for name for this burger hunt, please don’t hesitate to send it my way.

Now on to the burgers! Last night I ventured to Audubon Circle on Beacon St in Boston. Due to this restaurants proximity to Fenway Park, it is a wonder that I have never heard of this place until now. The atmosphere was great (though a tad dark) and the menu was extensive and not that expensive. I was joined this time by the beautiful Ms. Danielle, as I continued my search for this city’s most perfect burger.

Audubon Circle was sent to me by many readers and was also high atop many of the “Best Burger” lists I found online, so I felt I should give it a fair shot. I can now understand why people speak so highly of this establishment. The burger was quite good. Certainly, this burger was better than the Bukowski Barfly Burger from last week. The most notable improvements were the bun and meat itself. The bun was along the lines of a sour dough roll, being crunchy on the outside and warm and soft on the inside. Possibly one of the best burger buns I’ve ever encountered.

The patty itself also had a taste that I have never before experienced. I don’t know how to describe it accurately but I would wager it had something to do with its seasoning. Either way it was one of the better burgers I have had during my lifetime. My only gripes were the burgers lack of onions (which is a staple in my opinion) and the restaurant’s decision to serve home fries in Lou of tradition French fries.

I realize these pictures stink, but this place was really dark for some reason.


After tasting this burger I decided that I need to alter my rating scale. My scores now range from 1-10 as opposed to 1-5. After scoring the Bukowski Burger 3.5 out of 5, I realized that didn’t give me a lot of room to maneuver. I have since gone back to that post and changed that score to 6 out of 10. Back to Audubon, I give this burger 7.5 out of 10 on the Jon Defreest scale of overwhelming deliciosity.

This was a great burger, but I think I can do better. Nay! I will do better.
Join me next week as I continue this lil’ journey and for love of God someone help me come up with a better name than “Burger Merger”.

I mean... that name doesn’t even make sense…